It's crazy how much a person relies on and loves their Mom, isn't it?  You call her when your spaghetti sauce sucks to find out why.  You call her if the kid has a fever because she always knew what to do.  You call her just to hear her voice, even if it makes you cry because it's only gonna be available for a short time.
I guess my real problem is that my Mom was this free spirit that took us to Hindu churches, that studied Wicca, that was an amazing painter and artist and that lived in a Westfalia Vdub for a year and a half, surfing up and down the California coast.  She was all these things that I always admired and respected.  She had her lows, but it's because she threw herself heartily into life.
Now, she has decided to die.  Dialysis isn't a viable option for her because of her various other health conditions, and so she is slowly getting more toxins in her blood day by day.  They say two to six months, which started a couple of months ago.
Sometimes, she's up for a chat.  Sometimes she's exhausted with the nausea, headaches, and diarrhea that come with this condition.  But she really enjoyed the idea that I would visit her one last time.  It seemed stupid to wait until she was gone.  Why?  I couldn't help but to see her and to talk about her plans now.  She always has plans you see.  She intends to be cremated so that she can forever surf the waves.  I intend to take her ashes to New Jersey because that's where she was born and it's where I've always felt the most alive, on the boardwalk.  We donned our suits and turned heads together, her and I, back in the day.  We played games and we ate ginormous pieces of pizza that only real Italians from New Jersey can produce.  She taught me the love of mobster movies, "wait, here's the horse head scene!", she would shriek in excitement.  The one thing that I think my Mom has taught me most was how to really, truly live.  Each breath, each weekend was an adventure.  She could make shopping fun.  She's just that kind of chic.  I have no doubt that she will ride the waves.  It's what she was always born to do.